JURY DUTY: Press Release

My homie put me on to the music beef. It seems that 50 Cent made some harsh remarks and a mixed tape out gettin' at Puffy (P. Daddy Daycare). Now I'm not a 50 or a P. Diddy fan... but it's time that somebody calls this character out. I wonder what Puffy has to say about this. More to come on this as it unfolds...

Check out more hip-hop news at allhiphop.com

JURY DUTY: News Break

2006 Video and Music Awards (VMA's, BMI's, and Me-Oh-My's)

Let's take a flashback to last years show. Remember Kanye (b.k.a. Mr. West, b.k.a. The Louis Vaton Don) with the Miami Vice wears? Don't get me wrong... the fits were HOT... but the taco meat was NOT! Since Mr. West is now an engaged man, I hope he plans on covering the meatballs on his chest. And, was it just me or were you already over Puffy, P. Daddy Daycare, or P. Diddy (whatever he calls hisself these days) and everytime you saw him it just made you want to paperclip his mouth shut because he never closes it! And I love Cee-Lo and his music... but doesn't he look like one of those big-headed midgets?!?

JURY DUTY vs. FLAVOR OF LOVE

Case #: 472345-FoofiePleaz

Facing Charges of: Being Extra, Felony Counts of Lookin Dusty, and in dire need of good of a disinfectant bath.

Someone actually asked me if I would get with Flav. I have stayed STD free my whole life... so why would I request to deal with someone that looks as if they bathe in syphilis and herpes juice? I'M GOOD. My girl L-Diggs dropped me the line that Lloyd Banks will be on the show! Due to my cable situation, I will have to infiltrate someones TV that night. Flav is gonna be like that pimp from 'Pimps Up, Ho's Down' that got all his ho's taken. I hope Flav has a back-up plan because America is about to see some real groupie hatin' and stable hoppin! Lloyds juicy lips vs. Flav's crack pipe scarred lips. Flav, you can't hold a candle to Mr. Banks!

Verdict: I have to see the episode first and then I can gather more evidence.

JURY DUTY vs. THE CHILDREN

Case #: 518433-ShouldaAborted

(Parents) Facing Charges of: Felony counts of Procreating Gremlins

I was at the store and saw this little girl lookin like Sambo. She had dried up boogies and snot all over her face, ashy, and looked as if she rolled around in mud. But her mom was decked out in Baby Phat, fake jewels, and new Louis Vaton knock-off. If you have one ugly child, just stop over populating the world with your tainted seeds. Here's some pics of cute children doing what they do best. And others I just laughed at the overall picture that I just had to post it.. And here are some funny-looking children doing what they do best...

Verdict: Free morning after pills for life to anyone who has already given birth to 1 ugly child.

JURY DUTY vs. SICKOS NATIONWIDE

Case #: 017352-HowdUGetOff

Facing Charges of: Several felony counts of being mentally insane

Now how did this crazy mo-fo get released. Doesn't he just look crazy. He has basically admitted to having sick thoughts about little children but they set him free to prey innocent children on the streets. I'm betting it won't be long before we see him again... but this time we'll see him on America's Most Wanted. Doesn't he remind you a little bit of this guy.

Verdict: I vote they fly him back to Thailand and let them handle him the way he needs to be handled. (Beat him with bamboo sticks and feed him fish heads.)

JURY DUTY vs. PHARELL MOUSEKEWITZ

Case #: 249875-GayDar continued...

My girl, L-Diggs, pointed out to me during a late-night convo last night that Pharell looks like Fievel Mousekewitz! That's jokes! She also brought it to my attention that his line of clothing is ridiculously priced. Here is a hoodie that is half the price of my rent (if your interested in looking like Mr. Fruity.) After seeing a pair of those ugly Skittle-colored shoes... I gave up. I saw this kat on one of those morning shows performing and his jeans were so tight I think he had a camel toe! Case still pending...

JURY DUTY vs. SURVIVOR

Case #: 239632- SayNo2JimCrow

Facing Charges of: Felony counts of setting back the movement 20 years and modern-day segregation... all for the sake of ratings.

I can't believe it! They are planning to segregate the different ethnicity's into different tribes! I'm expecting to hear from Jesse Jackson or someone before the end of tomorrow! It's a sad to see what networks do for ratings...

Verdict: I refuse to watch this. I never watched it to tough before... but especially not now! Boycott the B.S. If we can't agree on anything else...we need to agree on this... Case closed!

JURY DUTY vs. AVERAGE KATS THAT SWEAR THEY'RE 'SUPER SEXY'

Case #: 294782-TakeDatTakeDat

Facing Charges of: Impersonating someone who is actually sexy.

Some people may confuse the fact that having money doesn't automatically make you look good. You might have scrilla, but you still look like whatever. There are, however, kats that have money that are fine! And those who also have that quiet sexiness to them. They're scarce like an albino turtle with one eye and three legs...but they are out there! These average kats amp themselves up more than they normally would. (Due to groopies.) Today they are going on trial for stepping outside their average relm... and way below average in some cases!

JURY DUTY vs. CELEBRITIES THAT FELL OFF

Case #: CelebURnot

Facing Charges of: Trying to front like they are still famous, consistently try to be famous, and looking crackish in public.

We see them all the time at movie premieres, award shows, and various parties 'escorting' whatever rapper is hot at the time. Sometimes they are only known for having a famous sibling. (Made you look!) And sometimes they disappear for a while and you ask yourself, 'where has he been' or 'what have they been doing?' And sometimes you just ask yourself 'why?' Do you remember Patra, Mic Geronimo, or Kenan & Kel? Stay posted for more details..

JURY DUTY vs. BEYONCE KNOWLES

Case #: 296722-UrGetinWack

Facing Charges of: Repeatedly beating listeners upside the head with crap, trying to steal styles, and being dumb enough to try to release her album early... and screwed herself instead of LaToya.

And that's why I put up a picture of Kelis. Because she is the BOSS. I have always liked her style. I was scared for my safety while watching the 'Ring the Alarm' video. 'B' looked psycho! Be careful Jay, her head might spin around like that little girl in that movie! Maybe And kudos to Kelis for putting 'B' on blast on 106th and Park. I just love her and Nas together. It makes me all warm inside!

JURY DUTY vs. THE CHEETAH GIRLS

Case #: 294852-TricksR4Kidz

Facing Charges of: Brainwashing

When flipping through the channels, at other peoples house because I STILL don't have cable, I always seem to stop on the Disney Channel. I don't know why! But I get sucked into watching That's So Raven and The Cheetah Girls. And those 3LW chicks had a movie with Ciara about volleyball. I need intervention! I'm starting to think that it is form of brainwashing. I've even sang those 3LW songs on occasion... So therefore, they need to go on trial! Or... maybe I need to- for watching it! Case pending...

JURY DUTY vs. TYRONE

Case #: 098245-CB4Pimpin

Facing Charges of: Internet Pimpin'

Tyorne (Inmate #98375-23) just got out this morning and he's already back to his old schemes! But this time he's not on the block. (The judge put him on house arrest.) He's on myspace meetin' and greetin' his future stable! I wonder if he got Nasy Nate to braid his hair while he was locked-up? Case pending...

JURY DUTY vs. CLUB GOERS

Case #: 984234-WhoWhatNwhy

Facing Charges of: Looking ridiculous in Public and Impersonating Wack Celebrities (Fonzy the Fassie)

I was looking through these pictures on the web (at inDmix.com) and ran across this disturbing image. The one on the right thinks he's fresh-to-death in his Pointdexter fits, Go-Go Gadget Watch, and I'm getting the impression he's trying to pass off his braces as a grill! And I have no words for the kat on the left who KNOWS he's lookin super-sexy. I hope he Febreezes that coat before he tries to throw it back in his pops closet! I also saw a lot of club-goers wearing sunglasses IN the club. SUNglasses... inside the club...huuumm? And just a reminder... Just Say No. If you get so drunk that you take home one of these chicks, you need your head examined!

Verdict: Stay home! Your ruining it for everyone!

JURY DUTY vs. NORTH CROWLEY HIGH SCHOOL

Case #: 682345-IMakeKoolAid4myFamLee

Read this article first. Wow! Kids are bringing guns, knives, and probably grenades to school... but school officials are making rules about the color of hair! Now, I know I clowned Keshia Cole and Remy Ma... but they aren't out in the streets slapping peoples' babies or pick-pocketing old ladies. BUT... I could see if her hair looked these two chicks!

JURY DUTY vs. MY MOM (...and others)

Case #: 348753-LeavMeAlone

Facing Charges of: Felony E-mail harassment

Call me heartless... then ask me if I care! My mother E-mails me constantly!!! There is nothing I hate more that checking my E-mail and seeing forward after forward. (This goes for you too Skip b.k.a. Mr. Marine Man!) She forwards me E-mails she received from people back in Jersey I don't even know, corny jokes, and pictures of people (I have no clue who they are!) I've put her on an E-mail block before. She called me and asked if there was something wrong with my account. Then, she did the unexpected... she changed her E-mail address! Would it be wrong to block her again? Case pending. Waiting on jury verdict...

JURY DUTY vs. CABLE PROVIDERS

Case #: 239585- Refuze2Pay

Facing Charges of: Monopolizing the industry and raping the customers with a splintery broom stick with nails sticking out the sides!

I am dying to see the Spike Lee documentary 'When The Levees Broke: A Requiem in Four Acts' which comes on HBO tonight and tomorrow at 9pm. So you can imagine how pissed I was to call my 'cableman' over to find out that I couldn't get a connection due to a locked cable box! There are kids selling crack on Candler Road, but they are worried about people 'helping themselves' to cable. What a sick world we live in!

Case pending... there has to be a way to get in that box!!! Anybody have a ladder?

JURY DUTY: News Release

Rest in Peace to President Clinton Bristow, Jr.

I received word this weekend from my homie Rodney, B.K.A. DC, from Washington, DC that President Bristow passes away due to a massive heart attack. President Clinton was a real down to earth guy. He always had an open-door policy. All of the students respected him because he was such an easy person to get along with. I remember the time he even helped me get my refund check in three days! (If you went to Alcorn, you know how Financial Aid used to do you around refund time!)

My condolences to his family and friends.

JURY DUTY vs. FONZIE

Case #: 284755-DooKyCh8ser

Facing Charges of: Charges still pending

What is up with this guy? And the fascination with the umbrellas? I realize he owns an umbrella business... but damn! He must have a lifetime worth of bad luck for opening those umbrellas all over the damn place. I think he's gay. If he's not, he's metrosexual to the point where he's a thread away! I read somewhere he was dating Bin Laden's niece? So what happened? He was probably stealing her accessories and stretched out all her thongs! Doesn't he look like he's saying, "...Whatever, FISH!" Case pending...

JURY DUTY: News Release

Americas Next Top Model begins soon!
I'm excited just off the strength that I get to see the one and only diva, Miss J! I wonder what type of cat fights and drama this cast of wanna be Cover Girls is going to bring. Personally, I'm getting tired of watching the same re-run episodes of Sex in the City on TBS. (My 'cable man' hasn't hooked up my cable yet!) ANTM will give the gyrl a little variety in her life!

Check out this link to see the mug shots of your favorite... or not so favorite celebrities!

JURY DUTY: Random News

I have to point the good in the world, too! My friend Skip thinks I'm going to be blacklisted for the things I post. It's all for shits n' giggles!

I give this Good Humanitarian Award to Tom Joyner of Tom Joyner and the Morning Show. He does great things within the black community! Among the many things, he donates scholarships and money to students attending HBCU's.
(I guess this is a good time to shout out my Alma Mater, Alcorn State University and the SWAC!) KUDOS to Tom Joyner for giving back to the community! If you're interested in giving back to black colleges, check this out.

JURY DUTY vs. STUPID PEOPLE

Case #: 327593-PakOfNuPorts

Facing Charges of: Several Felony Counts- Lack of Comon Sense

Well, it seems that some people DIDN'T know that smoking was harmful! I guess they didn't get the memo. (Click the title: Jury Duty vs. Stupid People for the related article.) I guess they couldn't tell by the smell, the taste, or maybe how it turns your teeth into butter sticks that is wasn't good for them. Well, crackheads should be able to sue their dealer if that's the case! I didn't know the crack was going to do this to me! (Oh Man!) Get it together people... this case is just as ridiculous as the person who spilled the hot coffee on themselves and sued McDonald's. You obviously didn't order a cappichino!

Verdict: Anyone who's stupid enough to not know... just has to live with it. Your bad! Go take a seat with Hammer. Case closed!

JURY DUTY vs. THE BOOTLEG ICE CREAM MAN

JURY DUTY's MOST WANTED

Case #: 12936-SoftServ4u (case still pending)

Facing Charges of: Serving Melted Ice Cream, Suspected Pedophiling, & Noise Pollution

Now, when I was back in Jersey... we had Mr. Softee! You would stop whatever you were doing just to run home, steal some change out your mommas purse (don't front... cus you know if you asked she's going to dead you), and chase Mr. Softee down! Whether it's a screwball, ice cream sandwich, or soft serve... we all had a favorite! Now-a-days, every hood has this skeptical character. The bootleg ice cream man! With his magnet stickers of ice cream cones and drug dealer persona... he's on the grind so he can get that money to re-up! The one who used to come in my lovely neighborhood in HOTlanta has some homemade scratched & mixed song he plays out of a bullhorn!! I HAD to put him on trial! And instead of asking me if I wanted ice cream... he told me, "I have something that can cool you off." Whoa! It was then that I started worrying what 'exactly' he was offering the community children. Be leary of this shady character! He could be selling "soft serve" or other unmentionable goods in a hood near you!

JURY DUTY vs. TWO-TONE TONY

Case #: 123487-PimpinAintEZ

Facing Charges of: Dressing like a complete ass in public and Impersonating a pimp.

From China to North Carolina- Two-Tone Tony is back with his two bottom bitches! And can you believe he has a vest that matches both of them! This is a classic! My girl, L-Diggs put me onto this one! Pimps Up, Ho's Down... wait till' Two-Tone Tony comes to your town! What's REALLY goin' on with these fits? I used to sew better than that in 7th grade Home Ech class. I guess Tyreika's baby mamma caught a sale at the local fabric shop. (And you know she owes Two-Tone some money... so she figured she'd hooked him up for the Kentucky Playaz Ball.) ...Play On Playa!

Verdict: I can't even be mad at him! He even has two co-signers... But doesn't he look like Shabba Ranks?

Check out more at: hotghettomess.com

JURY DUTY vs. McDonald's & THE IRATE CUSTOMERS

Case #: 209785-FoodFolksNFights

Facing Charges of: 2 counts of Instigating Fights and Bad Customer Service (McDonald's)
2 Felony Counts of vehicular assault (Irate Customers)

Today, I heard yet another story about somebody getting hit by a car in a McDonald's parking lot. My theory is: After receiving terrible customer service, the customer leaves in a fit of rage... some foaming at the mouth! Then they look in their baggie and realize that their order is all jacked-up. To top it all off... the fries are cold! This causes the customer to LOSE it! I've personally gone back to get my order corrected and caught the serious attitude. I'm not saying I agree with this behavior...but I do feel McDonald's is somehow at fault. In this recent case, things went down a little different. What do you think? I'm putting both Mickey D's and the crazy customers on the stand. More to come on this trial...

JURY DUTY vs. SNAP MUSIC

Case #: 971243-LeanWitItRocWitIt

Facing Charges of: 15 felony counts of ruining rap music/nursery rhymes, worst lyrics EVER, and making XXXXL White T's a style.

My elderly next door neighbor, Mr. Colar, asked me one day where these young boys come from with these big shirts. I thought about it... and I realized that it all started with 'snap music.' These XXXXL White T's that look like shirt/dresses that travel all the way down to their knees. I've also seen these 'shawty boyz' rockin' these shorts that resemble gouchos! It's absurd!

Verdict: Ambush makeover, PLEASE! I would call in Ms. Jai, but I'm afraid for his/her safety! It's not wise to mix 'shawty boyz' and 'divas'. Let's bring back the real artists who actually have a message.

JURY DUTY vs. THE PEOPLE OF MYSPACE.COM

Case #: 234798-UCantBSerious

Facing Various Charges of: Impersonation, false Gang-related activity, suspicion of undercover prostitution, pimpin & pandering, suspicion of being psychotic, and just being straight-up NASTY!

It's like a virtual zoo where ANYthing goes! Some people are joking...but some are actually serious! I give it up to those who have respectable pages like my homie Biluxi. But for those of you who have a sorry page...your going on trial! Step up your game! Stop taking pictures of yourself, and posting pictures of celebrities. Since when did kats who were claimin sets (gangs) start gettin myspace pages?! This is definitely an ongoing investigation... Hey there!

JURY DUTY vs. PHARRELL WILLIAMS

Case #: 249875-GayDar

Facing Charges of: Acting peculiar, wearing excessively tight clothes, and touching other men's 'jewels.' (hehe!)

Since the video with Kanye, where he's holding the 'man bag' and dancing in front of the pulsating flower, my 'gay'dar went from code orange to red in reference to this young lad. I'm suspicious of any 'too-damn-pretty' men these days! I lived in Atlanta so my gay-day is on point! It's a whole new ballgame. For all you that have never been to the ATL, next time you go... take a trip to Lenox Mall and you'll feel me. My friend who hails from Seattle, Jedidiah, came out to visit me once... and he is now a believer! No offense to my 'homegirls' who stand up to pee, either. It's all love. (They're probably calling me 'fish' as I speak!) But I'm going to send this case back to the investigational team... we've got some diggin to do!

In the meantime, between time...check out this old flick!

JURY DUTY vs. DRUNKEN WOMAN ON COUCH

Case #: 14567-PisEDee

Facing Charges of: 1 misdemeanor charge of defacing property.

When I saw this, I almost lost it! Apparently, Tammy Sue went to the local rodeo and had a few beers, got sh*t-faced, and this is the end result! And guess who she was hangin' out with?!? I'm laughing too hard to write anymore!

Verdict: Tammy Sue's embarrassment from this picture being posted ALL over the internet is enough! Eeeww! I hope they flipped that cushion over! Doesn't she look like somebody from one of those throwback episodes of COPS?

JURY DUTY vs. MC HAMMER

Case #: 98734-HamRtime

Facing Charges of: One felony count of "Mase"demeanor, several counts of lookin' greasy in public, and re-releasing Hammer-time. Need I say more?

Did Scott Scorch drink & smoke-up all his major hit money? Why else would he give a beat to Hammer a.k.a. Stanley 'Kirk' Burrell. Hammer is making a come-back! Incidents like this should NEVER happen! Wasn't he supposed to be a saved man? Only Prince is allowed to make moves like that! Hammer got rich, went broke, got some money again and fled to the church...now he's back to hangin out at the pool in Hammer Pants. He probably got Paul Wall to make him a grill, too! What's next?!? ...Or should I ask....

Verdict: Hammer is ordered to sit hisself down! No more records...no more NOTHING!

JURY DUTY vs. PAUL WALL

Case #: 32274-PlezStop

Facing Charges of: One misdemeanor count of impersonating a rapper and two felony charges of promoting ignorance, bad breath, and sellin' everybody grillz.

I'm so sick of sick of seeing grills! I thought Kanye brought back the sophisisticated look? What happened?!? Next thing I know, it's the late 80's-early 90's all over again. Tomorrow I might wake up and see some kats rockin' Cross Colours and gumby/hi-top fades again. PLEASE STOP THE MADNESS!

Verdict: Mike Jones is hereby ordered to house arrest in the suburbs so that he is no longer subjected to Mike Jones (who?) MIKE JONES anymore! He is also ordered to brush his teeth 5 times a day to make up for all that plaque and grout build-up under his grill. Also, he cannot mention, not even once, about grillz in any song from this point on. Case closed.

JURY DUTY vs. ReRe's HAIR SALON

Case #: 852345-UknoURghetto con't...

Facing Charges: Habitual Hair Offender, Serial Weave-alicious Mischief, and Ghetto-licious Styles

Shakita's at it again! Not only did she hook up Remy, Puffy's Mama, and a host of other celebrities like Keshia Cole...
Now she's doin hair at the Bonner Brothers Hair Show!
You can't tell this chick that she isn't fierce in her crimson and blonde ensemble! With her butterfly get-up circa 1997 and shark tooth choker from Rave... she's ready to strut her stuff down the runway!

Trial Post-Poned: Investigational Team still collecting evidence. If you spot any ReRe-type hair activity, please provide Jury Duty with a link in the comment section so that we can put a stop to this!

JURY DUTY vs. HEAD-ON (Apply directly to the forehead)

Case #: 24566-WTF

Facing Charges of: Yet to be determined

When I saw the commercial I immediately got scared! What if I confuse Head-On with my stain stick for my clothes; causing me to bleach my forehead. Then I'd have to walk around looking like a baboons ass! I'm throwing this case back to the investigational team. I am dying for feedback on this bootleg headache invention. Personally, I'm a little shook that I might get brain freeze. Like when I used to drink my Slurpee from 7-11 too fast!

JURY DUTY vs. REMY MA

Case #: 852345-UknoURghetto


Facing Charges of: Several misdemeanor counts including evading Fashion Police, impersonating a woman, and looking like her breath smells like placenta. Also, facing three felony counts of un-B-weave-able multi-color weaves.

There IS something about Remy...
Maybe it's her multi-colored weaves that has me thinking 'who in the hell is giving her beauty tips?' I'm starting to think Remy's stylist, Sharika at ReRe's Beauty Salon, is the same one who hooked up Puffy's mama with that blonde get-up... and these two fly mommies!

Verdict: Remy is ordered to an ambush makeover from Ms. Jai from Americas Next Top Model. I can see it now. This crazy boy/girl duo will hit it off big time! I'm still trying to figure out which one to put in what category! Check back for updates on this case.

Here is a link to one of my favorite sites: http://crunktastical.blogspot.com/

JURY DUTY vs. SAMUEL L. JACKSON & CREATOR OF 'SNAKES ON A PLANE'

Case #: 326527-WhoWhatAndWhy


Facing Charges of: Wackiness & Lack of Originality

Samuel L. just set black folks back 10 years with this role! It's bad enough trying to get a starring role in Hollywood. First, Cuba Gooding, Jr. fells off with Snow Dogs & Boat Trip... then Mr. Jackson decides he wants to fight snakes on an airplane.

Verdict: I'm charging him with wackness in the 1st Degree just off the previews alone. I think I'd rather go see John Tucker Must Die...check it out for yourself: http://www.snakesonaplane.com/